Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
