First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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