dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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