I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
