I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Randomize
