I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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