I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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