i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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