You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
