is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
