I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
