she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
and she was petting her beer can
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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