1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
