Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
