I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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