Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
