Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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