Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We are all done wearing pants today
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
