He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
