Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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