I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize