I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
