she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I want a musical about memes.
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