I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
