I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So. Much. Porn.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
