someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
