I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
