I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
