nut hugger
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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