you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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