I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
