If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
