I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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