I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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