Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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