If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
