he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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