you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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