U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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