dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
