dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
