Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
