Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
