Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
