A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
