woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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