My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
is wine microwaveable?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
