I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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