How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
