I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Houston, we have a squirter
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
